Class Of ’73

Posted: August 4, 2008 in Uncategorized

I’d like to begin by greeting all of the degenerates present, all of the scum here whose professions range from mindless whoring to panhandling on a filthy avenue. It’s good to see you after all of these years.
Something I’ve noticed in my short time here, as I was wandering about the gym shoving stale appetizers down my gullet, is that many of the people that I thought were to be respected or admired or even feared back in high school have turned into brain-dead zombies and intensely dull conversationalists. Honestly, I have dreaded seeing Bruno Jones for years now, after all of the wedgies and locker stuffings. What a relief to find out that he sells insurance now! You look like shit, Bruno. Did I mention that your toupee resembles the carcass of a freshly deceased badger? And your wife! I have never seen such a dead ringer for Robin Williams before.
And the former cheerleaders! My god, what a crowd. Quite easy to spot, you know. Just look for the old women dressed like prostitutes. How are the gold-digging careers working for you? The trick is to look for the guy with drool coming out of his mouth and money out of his wallet. Though I would definitely recommend plastic surgery before attempting a pass at one of them. Those rich old bastards are getting sharper every year.
Speaking of rich bastards; I have to say, you erstwhile jocks seem to be doing well for yourselves, though no doubt that’s due to the connections of your fathers and all the ass-kissing they had to go through to get to the lofty positions that they now so comfortably sit at. Guess all the alcohol you consumed in high school and college hasn’t eaten your livers away quite yet. But keep a positive attitude, guys, it’ll happen soon. Just like Daddy, eh?
Well! Look at the time. Might as well wrap this up before you all converge upon the stage like an angry mob complete with chunks of brick and torches. Let me just assure you that I’m doing fantastically for myself, as the so-called “nerdy” science fiction book of mine has just won a Pulitzer prize and the cash is rolling in like there’s no tomorrow. Perhaps you all noticed the Ferrari parked outside. Yeah. It’s mine.
But anyway, I encourage you to enjoy the cheap booze that you’re all gulping like water. At least it’s free, right? Really, though, everyone, it’s been just incredible ridiculing all of you. I wish you the best of luck– oh, who am I kidding? I hope you all stay as mediocre as you are right now. Good night.

  1. kayla says:

    look, I’ll be frank, this sounds like something YOU would come back and say to your school [well, if it was a Nordhoff type of school] and the fact that you make yourself both a) insanely rich and b) the winner of a Pulitzer kinda makes you come off as an self-important douche. wow, that was harsh, sorry! I know you’re a nice guy but idk, this just doesn’t cast you in a good light, Luko :[

    other than that, the tone of this is pretty fabulous.

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